Every year on Melissa’s birthday I take flowers to her grave and bring home one or two. I used to make my closest friends come with me and sing happy birthday and eat cake at the cemetary. I think I’m keeping my crazy in check pretty well now,
Twenty years ago today I was lying on the couch watching All My Children waiting for my baby to be born. I had a strong feeling it was going to be a girl and had taken to calling her Melissa, although the sex had not been confirmed. The due date was 2 weeks away I had a sudden craving for cottage cheese, so I called my then husband, Frank, and asked him to bring me some. About the same time, I got a sudden strong feeling of sadness. Silly pregnant lady hormones. I guess I really wanted that cottage cheese. But after a while it occurred to me that I hadn't felt Melissa move in awhile. I nudged her.No movement. I nudged her again. Nothing. I started to feel nervous, so I went to my bedroom to lie down, and when I did, I felt her shift inside me like dead weight. Oh my Go! No! I got down on my knees and prayed. Let her be ok. Let her be alive. Even if she has a disability, I will be deal with that, just let her be alive. I called our doctor, and he told me to drink some juice, but then said, no, go to the hospital. Now. So I called Frank and he rushed home and drove me to the hospital. We were both trying hard not to panic on the way there, and joked that on the way home we would be laughing at ourselves. We got to the hospital and were rushed into a room where the nurse searched for Melissa's heartbeat. And searched. And searched. Finally she said, "There it is." I cried tears of relief, but then an older nurse popped in and said, No, that's maternal. Get her in a room." I was hurried into a room, and out of my clothes, and into a gown, and onto a bed and the ultrasound technician searched and searched and searched for Melissa's heartbeat and then finally he started to pack up his equipment to leave. "What did you see?" I asked him desparately. "I didn't see a heartbeat," he answered flatly. "You mean my baby is dead?" ""That's what that usually means," he answered. And then he left.
Dad's still alive but still in ICU. We are trying to find out what is wrong with Zack's tummy. My heart feels heavy as Melissa's birthday and anniversary approach. So many heart crushing memories. I don't want to go there, but It's hard to stop. Busy weekend to try to distract myself. Monday will be Melissa's birthday. I will take flowers to her grave and cry a little if I want to. It will be a day to honor her. Then I will feel better. Holding it in hurts, but I don't want to dwell on it too much either. It happened 20 years ago.
Feeling stressed. Dad almost died today, and is in the hospital. Son is having serious tummy trouble. And Melissa’s birthday is coming up and I’m not doing as well as last year. it feels so silly, because it happened so long ago. Shouldn’t I be back to normal by now? Why does it still hurt when her birthday draws near? I feel anxious and crazy.